On Thursday, March 31, 2011, I received a letter via Japanese air mail. It was my long awaited working visa...or so I thought. As it turns out, what was really sent to me was a Certificate of Eligibility which I must then take to the Japanese Consulate assigned to my area (which is in Portland) for them to process the actual visa. I contacted the consulate in San Francisco to see how long this would take since I will have a 6 hour layover in S.F. It turns out it takes another week or so to complete the visa application process. So with slight chagrin I sent off my passport, visa application, and Certificate of Eligibility via FedEx priority. At this point, I have decided that although my employer seems to be in a huge hurry, there is only so much I can do to speed up the process and she'll just have to accept that.
I am feeling a little better about the situation and my decision to go. About two weeks ago I felt that I did not belong in Japan and that there was somewhere else I needed to be...and just didn't know where or why. I wracked my brain over this thinking that God was trying to tell me I shouldn't be going to Japan. About a week ago I was doing my normal daily scripture reading. I just happened to be at Moroni chapter 7 in the Book of Mormon. The following verses in particular stood out to me.
13: But behold, that which is of god, inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which enviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love god, and to serve him, is inspired of God.
16: For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing whcih inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.
Verse 19 states that we should search diligently in the light of Christ to know good from evil. I did not feel a strong peace, as I'm sure all would like to feel when trying to determine if an action is right or wrong, but it was what it was. If it is good, it is of God. I continued to struggle as I had a terrible day and nothing seemed to fall into place. I couldn't feel God. I couldn't feel the Spirit. At one point I was so frustrated that I thought "I've always tried to be where I feel the Lord wants me...and it never gets me anywhere! Maybe I should just stop going to church and forget God" actually passed through my brain. At that point, I knew that my thoughts and frustrations were not of God.
On Saturday, I watched General Conference with a friend, Miriam. Sunday I was feeling out of it and only watched Elder Uchtdorf and Elder Bednar's talks. They were both on personal revelation and guidance. Just what I needed. I was so frustrated that I spent the rest of conference talking to my mom trying to figure out my feelings. I went with her to babysit my sister's kids in Pingree, Idaho that afternoon. It was a God-send. I was able to teach Braydan how to do Sudoku and get Morghyn to eat all of her dinner. We spent a good part of our time talking about what I should do and cleaning. The cleaning helped me keep my thoughts away from my own problems for a while. Sunday afternoon I sat outside in the backyard in the semblance of warm sun pondering about what I should do. The scriptures above came back to my memory and I felt the anxiety slowly melt away.
For a few days I had not felt at peace. By Sunday evening I felt peace again and as I read my scriptures the Spirit returned. I don't know exactly what happened to make me feel so separated from God but I know that when I recognized it and went to the Lord knowing I need help He will always help me find Him again. I will always be grateful to have a Heavenly Father that loves me so much that He sends His Son to gather me in each time I feel lost, faithless, or hopeless. Christ lives. He is my Savior. He is my Brother. He knows me perfectly and I will serve Him until He tells me 'the work is done.'
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